little weeble

Hee! Here's an old pic of Ethan when he was 4 weeks old. Little wubba! He looks so different! So wee!!!

Anyway, not much time to write right now as Ethan's new thing is whimpering pitifully everytime I leave the room. And I can't type with him on my lap because he'll destroy everything on this desk within reach. So no deep posts today.

My dad is visiting tomorrow - which I'm looking forward to of course! And I'm about 2/3 finished my Xmas shopping which is great. Which is good because dinner for 10 and appetizers and baking for Xmas day is going to cost a mint. Thankfully my dad is going to foot the bar bill (just like a wedding!!!). But I'm really looking forward to it. Troy's biting at the bit to put up the tree - I asked to please at least wait until December. So I'll betcha we'll have a tree within a week. Betcha. About 3 weeks early for my taste, but that's okay.

Ok - gotta go rescue my incredibly unhappy lonely boy amongst his toys. Geeze. I haven't even had a chance to put my mascara on today. And that says a lot.

I'm tired.

Ethan has a little girlfriend - my friend's daughter Ryan. He's not sure what to think about this girl thing, or why he's supposed to share his toys. But I think he kind of likes it :) E and Ry are 6 weeks apart, but she's a dainty little thing and E's a big brute. Sexy!

ma ma ma ma ma

I had a great visit with my mum this weekend (isn't she gorgeous?) - and was sorry to let her go home yesterday. I can't say enough about her - I'm speechless when I try to describe how much she fills my heart with love and comfort. She is the kind of mum I would wish for everyone - the kind of mum that I aspire to become for my own kiddo.

In other news, Ethan's teething again - I believe his second front lower tooth is going to appear any day now. Poor guy has been a little whiney lately because of it. Aww. Today its pouring rain again - and I've just now managed to put some clothes on and brush my hair. Today is about a house tidy, laundry, playing with E and trying to finish at least one magazine. And try to figure out what to eat for lunch.

Oh - and Ethan's THIS CLOSE to crawling and its driving me crazy because if he'd just move his knee one inch he'd be mobile all over the place. ARRRRRG! But I have to be careful what I wish for because childproofing is a bitch (and I'm a fantastic procrastinator).

And I'm having Xmas dinner for 10 this year. I've concluded that I'm certifiably insane. I think I was the last one to know.

I think I'm out of new pictures. Whoops. Ethan turned 9 months old yesterday - big boy! I can't believe he's been out of my tummy as long as he was in it. That he's EXISTED for a year and a half. Boggles my mind. And he is 24 lbs, big bruiser boy. We have lots to do today - so I won't weep endlessly here AGAIN about impending January and all the JOY that it brings :( but I will say that my mum is visiting on Sunday and Monday and I'm awfully glad about that. Its about time this mum got mothered a little bit. :)

my dolly

He's sleeping - thankfully - but despite enjoying my me time every evening after 8:00 pm, its about this time I want to go wake him up and hold him in my arms for big hugs and giggles. Insane. Not insane enough to do it - but to think it and miss him terribly after only an hour and a half.

January is gonna be so hard :(

yucky CIO

The whole Crying It Out method to get E to sleep has saved my sanity - literally. Well, your sanity plummets before it return to before-baby-normal, of course, because the whole CIO means listening to your baby cry cry cry for a few days while they get used to putting themselves to sleep. Its very hard as a mum to do - but when I was sleep deprived for 6 months to the point of desperation (way past that point, actually) then I did what I had to do. It took 3 days - now Ethan sleeps 11 hours a night in his crib. We both get enough sleep.

Naps. Another story. We actually enjoy our 2ce a day cuddle co-sleep naps. It keeps me from doing things that need being done - but I really enjoy the snuggle time, and I know E goes to sleep quickly and easily that way. But with daycare 6 weeks away, I'm the one crying it out with my son as we try to get him nap-friendly with a crib sans mum. He needs to be able to sleep without me, in his own bed (or someone elses I guess) when he goes to Marilyn's house in January 4 days a week. The adjustment is going to be big enough - I just desperately hope that he'll have at least one nap a day there.

If I wasn't putting E in care - I'd continue with our napping together for a few months longer. Its one more reason I HATE that I have to go back to work and take this from him - from me. He's growing so fast and never again will we have that special thing.

I'm feeling a bit depressed about the return to work in January. Its sooooo soon. I can't get beyond the losses - his and mine. I'm mourning now - and I know it will just get deeper in the coming weeks. I can feel a big gush of tears behind a weak door of pressure of my resolve - but soon I'm gonna crumble. I think I need to get it out before I move forward. I just hate sadness - and am pretty adept at hiding it away for a time but it never goes away, does it?

Crying it out. Appropriately named, isn't it? Do that, and maybe I'll be able to rest.

I hear this squeak squeak and I look around the corner as I type this - and its Ethan, sitting lovely-ly on his playmat, actually playing with his plastic cars like CARS - pushing them back and forth, on their WHEELS, on the mat. This is big - before he'd just chew on their wheels or fenders. *applause* I don't think my day can get more exciting than that! But, its not even 8:00 am, and another 12 hours together stretch before us like a sea with the land at the horizon barely visible in the distance. Its a wonderful sail every day - believe me. But sometimes, a 3 hour tour would be enough, you know?

Have I posted this picture before? I have no idea.

Anyway, feeling a mite stressed today. The furnace is now fixed (as of only half an hour ago - I hate F-ing Col.umbi.a Fu.els) and luckily the seized pump was under warranty for part and service. Horray. So we have heat. The bad news: our poor, poor leaky roof is VERY leaky today. No joke: there are 6 tupperware containers catching leaks in a 5 quare foot space in our living room (conveniently right above our tv/stereo system so if I get electrocuted you'll know why). We're at a loss as to why this is - and I don't think Troy or I have the wits or gumption to be catching leaks and looking up at our ceiling, scratching our heads for the rest of this wet, wet winter. Besides - a carpet littered in plasticware is kinda tacky looking.

And if I can add a bit more irony to my day - we got our water bill. Which is freakin HUGE - how can we consume $138.00 worth of WATER in 45 days? If we need water, we just need to take from the buckets littering my living room floor! Its not like we've been watering the lawn or something! *sigh*

I needed to get some errands done in town - but to be honest I don't have the mental capacity to drag E through the rain to 3 different destinations downtown and pay for parking. Maybe tomorrow - but I don't know. ARG I just feel so stressed today - things that need doing but yucky things keeping me from getting them done.

Blarg I'm too grouchy to type - and E is whining for his afternoon nap and I guess I can't ignore him anymore. Good thing today's payday - mummy needs a glass of wine tonight.

All day we played, waiting for the Columbia Fuels fixit guy to come fix our furnace *brrrrr!* but its almost 4:00 pm and he's yet to arrive. Grr. Ethan is THIS CLOSE to crawling - but he's sure mastered the "bum scoot"! I have to keep the doors closed to his room (which isn't baby proofed yet) and the den as he'll just bum scootch himself into wherever he pleases now. Must find that baby gate.

prrrr

I have a big black and white kitty under my chair as I write this. Here's a picture of Sir William with his brother Ethan, fighting over a bit of daddy lap time. Silly boys. Don't they know mummy comes first in daddy's heart? Or that's what he says - this picture doesn't exactly reinforce that, does it? :)

The weekend is over and I'm heading to bed to read my freakin' awesome book (a Books for Diva post is soon - I'm inspired!). Work decisions are being made behind the scenes - and it looks like a doable (if not challenging) outcome awaits me in January. And I've 99% decided to become a PartyLite consultant in Feb or March, once things settle down in the work/life balance front at chez McIntyre. And I can't be the only one planning Xmas menus!? Surely not.

We had dinner at my MIL's tonight, and whilst there I was looking at her photo album which contained older pictures of my boy. Its funny - I look at pictures of E when he was a few months old and I SWEAR I don't recognize him. I don't know what's wrong with me. So little of his face do I see in those older pictures - is it only me? It bothers me - the way that my memories of his early months are truly a blur to me. I can honestly just remember that whole experience in only bits and pieces. Memories lost. Its depressing. Ethan's growing SO FAST that its before my eyes but also faster than I can retain. My little guy - I just love him so helplessly and desperately - I really don't know what to do. My emotions are much larger than I can handle.

Ethan will be 9 months on Thursday - as old outside of me as he was inside of me. Not only outside now, and so big, and growing, and amazing, but it seems his development just adds distance between himself and my arms that hold him tight to my body. His tooth - his almost crawling - developmental milestones that make me cry with excitement and joy for him, but sadness of the building proof he's no longer my little baby anymore, but instead a boy that is truly his own self. My pride is engulfing, but with it comes sadness pining for the way it was. And even those precious memories are foggily slipping my mind. He's fading from me in both directions.

I just want to hold him tight, his chest pressed against mine, his arms clung around my neck, his little face resting sleepily on my shoulder. He is the greatest, sweetest gift, but it feels like he'll be gone before I know it. Melting away like the decadent, sweet taste of the tiniest, perfect truffle.

*sigh*

Wooo up early today. I'm tired, but can't really complain since E was zonked and snoring by 7:30 last night. My big worry is that when I make my coffee this morning there wont be any coffee grounds in the cannister. Enough to make a girl cry.

Not sure what today brings. My dad will swing down for a visit this afternoon on the way home from a business meeting in Duncan, which will be nice. I have about $6 to last me until Tuesday, so the glass of Pinot Gris in my fridge will be rationed all weekend - a sip each night this weekend. Might make me rowdy.

Its entirely too early to blog - been up for over an hour already and my eyes are still fogged over. Must find caffeine promptly. Troy's still sleeping. Must be nice.

We had a great visit with Ethan's grandpa today: lunch at Milestones, a little Xmas shopping, a little walk about downtown. Then playing on the floor with toys, books and cats! What more could you ask for? A nap, maybe, but there's always tomorrow. Speaking of sleep - I'm going to bed. Night!

blargle.

Ugh I feel so crampy today.

I think E is achey as well - his gums. I think tooth number two might be trying to poke through (I understand they often appear as pairs). He's pretty moany today. I think we both deserve a dose of advil. The day outside is gray and foggy - a perfect illustration to the way my body feels. Bleah.

I wish we could just nap the day away under the covers. But for some reason my little one doesnt seem to want to do that. So at least I'm using his nap schedule to have a lie down myself - which also means I haven't been diligent in getting him to sleep on his own in the crib for naps. I know I know. I gotta do it. I'll get on that in a few days. Seems kinda mean to do it while he's teething.

Tomorrow my dad comes to visit. Horray! Lunch out! Adult conversation! A pint of beer and warm food!

And that, my friends, is that.

It was a nice weekend - can't believe its over all ready! Nothing to report - same old same old. Except for the new tooth, that is! I'm starting to get that sick feeling in my gut when I realize that its not much more than 6 weeks away that I return to work. It doesnt seem real, especially when I don't even know what job I'm going back to yet. Its this gray cloud in the distance that I can see on the horizon, that looks like rain but maybe it will just be sucky cold fog and gray depression. So instead I focus on Christmas celebrations at chez McIntyre, and try not to mourn my stay-at-home mum-dome until December 26th. Ahhh my poor little boodie. I'm gonna miss having him with me every waking moment. So much.

Guess who got his first tooth today! My BIG BOY!!! *grin*

E continues to be a great sleeper at night (knock on wood), averaging about 11 hours a night. It truly is blissful - the continuous sleep for me, and 2 hours of adult time (read: wine, husband and book - not necessarily in that order) in the evenings before I hit the hay and lay in a dead coma of exhaustion. But naps are still a different story.

E insists of napping laying beside me, boob in mouth. Yes, I'm the human pacifier. He'll sleep in the carseat and stroller if he's really bagged, but those aren't always options. So while I'm always eager to have reason to return to my own bed, laying there in a not-always comfortable position with a snoring baby isnt the most restful way to spend an hour or so twice a day. It makes me think, as I lay awake, of all the things I should be doing (load dishwasher, update this site, do laundry, vacuum, shower, read my book, sort E's clothes, acknowledge the cats, grocery shop). While other mums relish baby's nap time, my kid's naps are just another "chore" to do around here.

I've started CIO with E's naps. Its how we got him sleeping so well at night, and now I've decided (reluctantly, because while CIO works for E, its not fun implementing it to the stage of successful, restful, putting oneself to sleep status) to use CIO for E's naps. I have to. For one thing, E's gonna have to be able to put himself to sleep for naps while in daycare 2 short months away. We want him to remain well rested so that his nightly sleeps are still solid. The last thing I need is more sleep deprivation insanity when I have to go back to work.

I also need time to get more stuff done around here. A quality of life thing - either to rest myself, get chores done, reduce our billion mile long to do list so that its not a mad dash to play catch-up when Troy comes home. I'd like our evenings to be more relaxed and family oriented. I'd like to free up my time.

I can't believe January is almost here. Its a dark cloud above me - I try not to notice it, but soon those raindrops wont be ignored. Still don't know what job I'm going back to (work hasn't said) but so little of me cares at this point. My priority is at home. My priority is Ethan (and paying our mortgage). Little else matters.

Boo!

As promised - the growly Ethan Bear! Rarr!